*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
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If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.