@Duke1173: *moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
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@sbellelauren: thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn't want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
@alwayzintruble: Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..
@Dutch_50: A co-worker is retiring, so they're passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
@aka_fatman: Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.