*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.