Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
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“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.