Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
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*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Day 2 of my diet
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*