*mops up wine with cat*
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Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.