I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
technically true but not a great slogan
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*