@slimmy_shady: "More people are killed by toasters than sharks". So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you're in big trouble.
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@LoveMeNowDad: A microwave with three only buttons. 1. Hot Pocket 2. Pizza Rolls 3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
@roggyie: When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `"WASH ME"` on her face.
@stevevsninjas: This hasn't helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
@XplodingUnicorn: Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit Me: Are you sure about that? *gives him a handful of Cheez-Its* Cop: Have a nice day, sir.