“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
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I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.