If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
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I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Donating blood today to make room for more food
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.