“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
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“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place