“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
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MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
A short story of betrayal:
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I’m giving up ice.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what