@Underchilde: More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge.
@shopkins776: *hand grenades* *blow torch* *AK 47* *sulfuric acid* *ninja training* My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.
@ericsshadow: My doctor told me, "If you don't quit smoking, it doesn't really matter how poorly you eat" and that was the best day of my life.
@Reverend_Scott: [texting] Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am) Him: About? (9:01 am) Him: What? (9:02 am) Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am) Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)