@Underchilde: More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.
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@badbanana: I'll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
@sexorpizza: Friend: Hey guess what? Me: What? Friend: No, guess! Me: I don't need this friendship that bad.
@TheHyyyype: My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
@form52: I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships. Well played future wife. You win this round