@Underchilde: More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.
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@SteveSuckington: "Expose yourself to Art" they said "Art will tase you and call the cops on you" they didn't say
@Quartzjixler: Me: A coworker called me 'Papa Hemingway' today. Her: Because of your beard? Me: Well it wasn't because of my Nobel in Literature.
@notalogin: Guy: What do you do? Me: I tell jokes on Twitter G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself? Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes