@Underchilde: More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.
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@NicktheDrummy: We're gonna party like its 1999. //breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can't hear the kids. Wife: You should shake it out. Me: Why would I want to do that?
@Reverend_Scott: my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone's more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
@NewDadNotes: [Grandpa’s Funeral] Me: don’t worry kids Grandpa is looking up at us from down below. Wife: it’s true wait-what? Me: what? Grandpa was a terrible person.