*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so