You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.