Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
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nyc:
A choir of Spring onions
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?