[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
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We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
For anyone who needs this today
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Me too
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers