@thepatrickwalsh: "Be there in 5," I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

@WorstLastWords: It's OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

@tarashoe: if i were a cab driver, i'd scream "ROAD TRIP" every time i got a passenger

@JohnLyonTweets: Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

@JessObsess: It's so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.