@Underchilde: My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.

@ShanaRose21: The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward's anger.

@amazymay72x: LIES! STOP THE LIES! -My reply to my husband whenever he tells me he's gonna "repair that".

@MsCassieDaniels: Canada's got it right, when they don't want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

@sarcasticmommy4: My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: "Uh, go buy new clothes?" Have kids. It's fun.