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@BackrowSeats: [Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
"He's still sleeping."
@Ameiam: Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
@KelgoreTrout: "911 whats your emerge-"
I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES
@GrantTanaka: Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked "Dad, does God love bettas?" & I said "Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you."
@Dawn_M_: Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
@Cpin42: Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.