FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
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*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Why are bridges so flammable.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Just parrot things
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?