[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
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Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…