Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
How about daylight saves us for once
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.