Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat