[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
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If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-