[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
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Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know