“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Radiohead fans, this is for you.