“Morning, how was your weekend?”
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Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so