Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
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Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.