Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.