a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
You Might Also Like
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.