Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
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Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
😂 amazing answer
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not