Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
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My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I cannot call her anything else now
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Growing out my freckles.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.