Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
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The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe