Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
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I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
This is painfully accurate 😅
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
How high do the levels go?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Nice try Hitler
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*