Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
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Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.