mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
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I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
There’s only one good girl here!
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?