maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
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“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I’m going to need a moment here.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Got ya covered
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.