MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
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If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
How funny!
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Beware of fowl play.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
my fav colour is also hitler