MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
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New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
What an awful time to have common sense.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Morning.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
just left a huge legacy in there
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.