Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
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It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Monday Lisa
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise