*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
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Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.