Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
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i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.