Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350