Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
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Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*