moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
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[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I can’t wait!
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣