“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
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My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
what could possibly go wrong?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic