Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
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“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Anyone want a chair?
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.