Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?