Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
ACED my prostate exam!
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-