My sex drive has a dui
You Might Also Like
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.