5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
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The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”