I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
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Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.