Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Sticker placement is key.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.