@954LeenO: Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
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@david8hughes: When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
@LurkAtHomeMom: Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
@Tommytoughstuff: COP: [flashes his light into my car] ME: *struggles to roll down window* "Sorry this isn't my car."
@hippieswordfish: Cop burst through every window of my house as I perform the illegal Google search 'teen age mutant ninja turtles with no Shells on '